Check out the video on my YouTube channel HERE.
Here’s a home truth: adoption is complicated enough without accidentally sabotaging yourself along the way. After 30+ years in this field, I’ve seen families make the same mistakes over and over again, and I’m here to help you dodge those landmines. Let’s get into it!
Skipping Your Homework
The biggest mistake I see people make is failing to do their research. I’m talking about REALLY digging in and becoming educated about adoption, not just skimming a few blog posts and calling it good (although there are some GREAT blog posts on a variety of adoption topics right here that can help you get started!).
This research goes way deeper than “what kind of adoption should I pursue?” Start with the fundamental question: should you even be doing adoption at all? Then work your way up to which adoption professionals you’ll partner with and what pathway makes sense for your family. Start philosophically, get specific later.
Don’t worry, we’ve got your back and will help you with everything you need to know. But you’ve got to commit to becoming very well-educated about this process. There’s no such thing as “winging it” in adoption.
Getting the Language Wrong
This ties directly back to education and research. You absolutely must address expecting parents properly. The language matters more than you might think, because they are communicating something important about a complicated set of relationships.
For example, before an expecting mom gives birth and places her child for adoption, she’s just that, an expecting mom. She doesn’t become a birth mother until she actually gives birth, signs her relinquishment, and places her child for adoption. Using correct terminology shows respect and understanding.
Also, don’t make assumptions about expecting parents. People sometimes have false beliefs about who birth mothers are, but here’s the reality: they’re ordinary, normal people who’ve found themselves in an extraordinary situation where they’re considering placing their baby for adoption. That’s it.
Trying to Fly Solo
Trying to navigate adoption without an adoption professional is mistake number three. I do understand this, adoption professionals can be expensive. But here’s what could happen: you might spend WAY more money trying to do this completely on your own.
I’m actually very supportive of families who choose self-networking because they need to make adoption affordable. But even when you’re self-networking, you still need adoption professionals in key areas. You need someone to do your home study. You need an adoption attorney to finalize everything. And it’s important – VERY IMPORTANT – that both you and the expecting parents have counseling and representation with an adoption professional.
You can pursue adoption in less expensive ways than going through a full-service agency, but you’re still going to need professionals helping you navigate this journey. Otherwise, you risk making a mistake that could cost you the entire process.
A Painful Profile
This one might feel a bit harsh, but I say it with kindness. When creating your adoption profile, don’t focus too much on your infertility journey. Most families we work with come to adoption through infertility, and I understand that’s been a massive, heartbreaking part of your story. It’s shaped everything about how you think about family building.
But here’s the thing expecting moms need to see: your future, not your past pain. When you’re dwelling on infertility in your profile, you’re not talking about your hopes and dreams for your child. Your profile should be full of “Here’s the amazing life we want to share with a child.”
Infertility grief is real and valid. But this is exactly why it’s really important to actually grieve your infertility and be ready to embrace adoption as the way you’re building your family. Take the time to process that loss before jumping into profile creation.
Focus on your hopes, dreams, and the future family you’re creating through adoption rather than the negative parts of what brought you here.
Falling for Scams
Unfortunately, adoption scams are very prevalent. I’m not talking about expecting parents who make an adoption plan and then decide to parent, that is NOT a scam, and every parent has that right. I’m talking about people who purposely enter the adoption space planning to scam families.
Having an adoption professional working with you is one of the best protections against this. With my 30+ years of experience, I’ve seen what adoption should look like versus what scams commonly look like. It becomes pretty easy to spot the red flags (though I won’t say we’ve never been fooled ourselves).
A lot of times, adoptive families are just too close to the situation. You can’t see the forest for the trees. The adoption professional is removed from the emotional investment and can look at things from a step back. We can help protect your heart by pointing out concerning signs that your gut is already telling you about but you’re trying to talk yourself into ignoring.
Practical Questions
Finally, they’ll cover some practical bases:
- Tell us about your health
- Do you have any mental health issues?
- Do you have any life-threatening illnesses?
- How stable is your job?
- What is your professional background?
- Do you have any history with legal issues?
The last mistake is forgetting that adoption isn’t a one-time event. Your child will be adopted forever. You will always have an adopted child. That state is ongoing.
Too many families are like, “Okay, great! Got the child, we’re done!” No. That’s just the beginning.
Your journey is going to be lifelong, and I’m serious about that. It’s important to stay informed and educated. Now that you’ve gotten through the adoption process, you need to focus on what it means to be the best parent you can be to your adoptive child.
A child who comes into your family biologically is different from a child who comes through adoption, that’s just true. Yes, a child is a child, but they come with a background. They come with trauma. You need to know this and be prepared so you can help your child navigate their adoption journey as they grow.
Take the time to educate yourself, work with qualified professionals, and remember that getting them home is just the beginning.
If you want comprehensive guidance on avoiding these pitfalls and navigating your adoption journey with confidence, check out my All About Adoption 101 course.
Ready to explore different adoption paths? The Avenues of Adoption course will help you find the right fit for your family.
This blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Our services are not financial, business, or legal advice. The information presented here is not a guarantee that you will obtain any results or earn any money using our content. Adoption & Beyond, Inc. owns all copyrights to the materials presented here unless otherwise noted.
