Check out the video on my YouTube channel HERE.
Give Yourself Time to GrieveLet’s talk about something that no one in the adoption world wants to think about, but we need to discuss anyway. What to do if an adoption match falls through.
First things first – there’s a whole debate about what to call it. Failed match? Failed adoption? Adoption disruption? People get really up in arms about terminology. And yes, language matters, but sometimes we get a little too caught up in the semantics.
For today’s purposes, let’s just focus on what happens if the adoption you were hoping for doesn’t go through, and how to navigate that emotional rollercoaster.
Understand That Some Adoptions Don’t Go Through
Step one is to understand that some adoptions simply don’t go through to completion or placement. I’ve heard the national average is anywhere from 25% to 50% (though I personally think 50% is pretty high). At Adoption & Beyond, our percentage is less than 3%, but let’s go with about 25% nationally.
That means 75% of adoptions DO go through! But if you fall into that 25% as an adoptive family, it can be absolutely devastating. The cold, hard truth is that it happens, and here’s the important part – there’s no one to be angry at. There’s no one to blame.
Some mamas, especially after the baby is born, just decide they can’t carry through with their original adoption plan. And that’s all it is. There’s no one to be mad at – not the expecting mom or birthing mom, not the professionals or attorneys involved. No one. It just happens.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Second step? Give yourself permission to feel all the feels. You and your partner (if you have one) will need time to grieve. Especially if you’ve come to adoption through infertility and have already experienced significant loss – you’re unfortunately not a stranger to the grief process.
Tap into those skills you gained through your infertility journey. It’s going to take time to process this loss, and that’s completely normal. No rushing through those emotions – they need to be felt. Netflix and ice cream are completely acceptable coping mechanisms. Just saying.
Seek Closure
Number three is trying to seek closure, which can be particularly challenging in adoption scenarios. You may not get an opportunity to talk with the mom who decided to parent her baby, so you might not know exactly why she changed her mind.
Plus, this is what therapists call an “unrecognized grief” – it’s not like a death where it’s final. This baby is still alive, this mom is parenting that baby… you’re just not the ones doing the parenting. It’s complicated grief, but finding whatever closure you can has to happen before you’re able to truly move forward.
Finding that closure will help you come to peace with what happened. It might look different for everyone – journaling, therapy, support groups, or just a good ugly cry session with someone who gets it. Whatever works.
Decide When You’re Ready to Move Forward
The last step is deciding when you’re ready to try again. This timeline is 100% personal. You might move through the grief process fairly quickly and feel ready to jump back in, or it might take six months or more.
The most critical thing to remember (and I cannot stress this enough) is you have to be careful not to drag that previous loss into your next match. That emotional baggage can taint your next opportunity. The mama who decided to parent is NOT the same mama you’re matched with now.
Your new potential match deserves your excitement, care, and full attention because she’s not the one who changed her mind last time. She’s making a match and placement plan with YOU right now, and deserves the full, unguarded version of you – not the scared, holding-back version. Easier said than done, I know, but absolutely necessary.
So those are the four important steps to navigate when you experience a failed match. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun, but knowing how to handle it can make all the difference in your adoption journey.
If you’re experiencing this right now, my heart truly goes out to you. For additional support from families who’ve been there, consider joining my Facebook Support Group where adoptive families share experiences and lift each other up through the hard times.
And if you’re just starting your adoption journey and want to be as prepared as possible for all scenarios, check out my All About Adoption 101 course or explore which adoption path might be right for your family with Avenues of Adoption.
This blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Our services are not financial, business, or legal advice. The information presented here is not a guarantee that you will obtain any results or earn any money using our content. Adoption & Beyond, Inc. owns all copyrights to the materials presented here unless otherwise noted.
