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When it comes time to match with an expecting mom, there are some scenarios that should make you take a deep breath and reflect before moving forward.
The truth (which can be hard to hear but is important to acknowledge) is that in an ideal world, children would remain with their biological families when possible. If an expecting mom ultimately chooses to parent, that’s probably the best outcome for her and her child, even though it will be deeply heartbreaking for you as a hopeful adoptive parent.
These cautions aren’t tools to “secure” an adoption. They’re reality checks to help you enter potential matches with eyes wide open, reasonable expectations, and a heart prepared for all possibilities. The goal is to create healthy situations for everyone involved, especially the child at the center of it all.
So let’s talk about some scenarios that might deserve extra thought and consideration before you dive in with your whole heart.
Early Pregnancy Matches
First up: matching with an expecting mom who’s really early in her pregnancy. An unplanned pregnancy is already a lot to process, and then adding adoption on top of that? That’s a whole emotional Jenga tower.
If she’s making an adoption plan super early, chances are she might still be exploring all her options and isn’t ready to commit to a solid plan yet. That’s completely normal and understandable!
Now, I have absolutely seen exceptions to this rule. Some mamas are total Type A planners—you know the type who probably had their hospital bag packed before the pregnancy test dried. They want the reassurance of knowing their kiddo will be taken care of because they’ve thoughtfully determined they can’t parent right now. These organizational queens sometimes DO make early adoption plans that stick—but they’re definitely not the majority of situations I’ve seen in my years of adoption work.
Lack of Counseling
Another yellow flag? Matching with a mom who hasn’t talked with a professional counselor yet. Has she really explored what adoption means in real life, not just what she’s seen on TV or social media? Is she making this life-changing decision with full information?
When an expecting mom understands exactly what she’s choosing, everyone benefits in the long run.
First-Time Mothers
If this is her first baby, that’s another factor to consider. She might find, when that tiny human is placed in her arms, that she just can’t go through with placement because she has no real-world experience with the demands of parenting yet.
I’ve consistently found that mamas who are already chasing toddlers around or helping with homework when they make an adoption plan are making more informed decisions. They KNOW exactly what they’re signing up for if they parent another child—the sleepless nights, the financial juggling, the logistical gymnastics of adding another child to the family.
The Birth Father Situation
Major caution alert if the birth father either doesn’t know about the adoption plan or is saying “absolutely not” to it. I cannot stress this enough—this situation can lead to legal complications that make a TV courtroom drama look tame by comparison.
Secret Pregnancies
Here’s another significant yellow light: if the expecting mom’s parents don’t know she’s pregnant or making an adoption plan.
I’ve literally seen this scene play out dozens of times: a mama is ADAMANT about not telling her parents she is pregnant, but when that baby arrives and emotions flood in, she calls them. They show up at the hospital, family dynamics kick in, and suddenly, the adoption plan has evaporated.
Family support weighs HEAVILY in the decision-making process, especially in those emotionally charged post-birth hours. Understanding her family situation before matching gives you some really important insight into potential curveballs.
The “I’m 1,000% Sure” Match
This one’s tricky: be cautious if she’s TOO confident in her decision. When someone says, “Yep, nope, not going to change my mind, I’m a hundred percent sure of this,” my internal alarm bells start ringing.
Until that baby is born, it’s nearly impossible to be completely confident about such a massive life decision. That’s not questioning her integrity, it’s acknowledging the powerful biological and emotional forces that kick in during pregnancy and birth.
Not Having Future Plans
Pay attention if she doesn’t have plans beyond placement. Many mamas who follow through with adoption are in college, building careers, or have specific goals they’re working toward. There’s a clear “what comes next” after placement.
If there are no goals or aspirations beyond placement, that might suggest she hasn’t fully processed how life continues after this momentous decision.
Holiday Due Dates
And finally, be aware if her due date falls during the holidays. Let me tell you, during these times, emotions run even higher than my coffee intake (and that’s saying something).
The holiday emotional amplifier can significantly impact decision-making when the baby arrives. Family gatherings, heightened emotions, and nostalgic feelings can make an already complex situation even more unpredictable.
Look, none of these are automatic deal-breakers; they’re just situations that deserve extra thought, honest conversations with your adoption professional, and a reality check on your expectations. The goal isn’t to avoid these scenarios but to enter them with clear eyes and a prepared heart.
Remember, each adoption story writes its own rules, and sometimes the most complicated beginnings lead to the most beautiful families. Just be prepared, be informed, and above all, be compassionate toward the woman making one of the hardest decisions of her life.
If you’re navigating the matching process and want more guidance, check out my All About Adoption 101 course or explore different adoption paths with Avenues of Adoption.
This blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Our services are not financial, business, or legal advice. The information presented here is not a guarantee that you will obtain any results or earn any money using our content. Adoption & Beyond, Inc. owns all copyrights to the materials presented here unless otherwise noted.
