If you’re an LGBTQ+ couple who has started researching adoption, you already know the drill.
You’ve hit at least one agency website that made you feel like an afterthought. You’ve encountered at least one ‘we welcome all families’ statement that didn’t quite line up with the vibe. You’ve done the calculation in your head: do they actually mean us, or do they mean everyone except us?
You are not being paranoid. The landscape is genuinely uneven. Some agencies are explicitly faith-based with policies that exclude same-sex couples. Others are technically open but make it quietly clear through their culture and their materials that LGBTQ+ families are exceptions they’ll accommodate rather than clients they genuinely celebrate.
Finding an agency where you feel like you actually belong takes more work than it should. Derek and Richard did that work. Here’s what they learned.
Ask the direct questions. And pay attention to more than the answers.
Derek and Richard found Adoption & Beyond through a recommendation from a trusted friend who had adopted twice. But before they committed, they paid attention to how they were treated from their very first interaction.
That instinct was exactly right.
When you’re evaluating an agency, ask directly: How many same-sex couples have you worked with? What does your non-discrimination policy cover? Have you worked with LGBTQ+ families who were specifically chosen by birth mothers?
An agency that genuinely welcomes LGBTQ+ families will answer those questions without hesitation, with specifics, and without any undertone that you’re asking for something unusual. If you feel like you’re making someone uncomfortable by asking, that’s information.
Find an agency that takes care of birth parents.
This is the piece of advice from Derek that we think doesn’t get repeated enough in conversations about choosing an agency.
‘If you’re only going to care about us,’ he said, ‘that’s hard for me.’
He’s right. An agency that is primarily focused on filling your arms as quickly as possible, without genuinely supporting the birth parent through one of the hardest experiences of her life, is cutting corners on the relationship that makes your adoption possible. Birth parents who feel informed, respected, and truly supported are more likely to make decisions they feel confident about. That stability is good for everyone, including you.
Look for an agency that talks about birth parents like they matter, because the good ones do.
Your profile can be exactly who you are.
Avery’s birth mother deliberately chose Derek and Richard. She knew they were a same-sex couple and she chose them intentionally, because something in their profile felt right to her.
There are birth mothers who are not open to placing with a same-sex couple. There are birth mothers who actively want to. A good agency connects you with the second group without wasting anyone’s time. And your job in the process is not to be someone you’re not, it’s to present who you actually are with clarity and warmth, and trust that the match that belongs to your family is out there.
The wait might actually surprise you.
Here’s something we’ve seen consistently over the years that might reframe how you’re thinking about this: LGBTQ+ couples are often among the first families chosen by expecting mothers.
Why? Because a birth mother who is specifically looking for a same-sex couple to raise her child has usually thought about it carefully and intentionally. She knows what she wants. When she finds it, she moves. That kind of clarity on her side tends to make for a fast, confident match.
Derek and Richard waited. Then Avery’s birth mother chose them. And when they got to the hospital, she was the one who stopped the whole group at the door to make sure the moment Derek and Richard first met their daughter was captured on camera.
She was thinking about them in her own moment of grief. That’s what the right match looks like. And it has nothing to do with how long you waited to get there.
Read Derek and Richard’s Full Story
Adoption & Beyond welcomes all families. If you’re ready to start, request our Adoption Guide here.
